Weaning. It happened.

Today is the first day I didn't breastfeed my baby in nine months.  Over the month of January, I've been gradually weaning her down from nursing every two hours during the day to one feeding every morning this past week.   I'm paralyzed with grief, and keep having feelings that I should pump just to keep the supply going, but then, I don't pump because part of me deep in my soul knows its time to be done.  My goal was to wean Lexi (my nine month old) at a year, but she got a bottle for Christmas (didn't like other bottle I'd tried to introduced), and was introduced to this new bottle and formula for the first time around the beginning of the new year, and very quickly, it was as if she found something better.  The bottle seemed to meet a need I couldn't.  The bottle was instantly, or near instantly ready, and my let down started to take longer and longer.  During the dreadfully long Christmas break, I had a terrible time being relaxed enough to nurse, and so there it goes, I've not breastfed my baby today.  Before it wasn't such a tragic event, but I'm 39, and this is my fourth baby, and my spine and hips still haven't recovered from carrying her for nine months.  Yesterday I had the emotionally exhausting day of meeting with my back surgeon from 14 years ago about my disk that seems to have flared up again; its' been 14 years.  As I type this, tears roll down my cheeks.  I'm so incredibly sad about a season that is ending for me.  My previous three kids I think I breastfed for six months tops, but this one was different.  Part of me knew this would be my last baby, my last opportunity to cherish and love every day with her.  My appetite the past week has plummeted, and I seem to be enduring waves of hormone shifts mixed with depressive symptoms.  She's upstairs in her crib not wanting to nap, and I really need her to sleep so I can get a grip.  I feel like no one in the world understands my grief.  I know this too shall pass, but at this moment, I'm very sad.  I'm sad she preferred the bottle before I preferred to stop breastfeeding.  I think this is the first baby where she seemed ready before me.  She naps now, finally.  Where did the past nine months go?  Is it really the end of January?

The End of Our World!

So on December 21st, (a week ago), the end of the world didn't come, but the end of the world as I know it came.  A week ago my husband completed his last day of a 5-year medical residency.  He's now a board eligible Child, Adolescent, and Adult Psychiatrist.  He's completed 26 formal years of training and education.  All of this education and training after high school has had me playing an active part in his education and training pursuits.  Kelly and I met within the first two months of our first year of college; I guess that means we're college sweet hearts.  The journey so far has no words to adequately describe the experiences we've had.  This year has been the toughest yet the most rewarding at the same time.

5 Biggest

Yesterday was my 39th birthday and was forgettable (hopefully) with the exception of Catriona (my DD) making me a beautiful chocolate, coconut pecan, nutella chocolate cake and dinner!  She's so thoughtful and I just love her for that. 

So today I'd like to do an exercise.  Here are my five biggest TODAY....
Hopes
1.  That Kelly finds a job that will provide for our family, help us dig out of residency debt, and is something he will enjoy as much as he can at this point in our lives considering the whole situation.
2.  That I'll be able to lose 40 pounds before my 40th birthday.  I'd also like to breastfeed Lexi until her birthday which is in April which augments my goals to lose just 5 pounds by the end of April.
3.  That a year from now, all this financial stress of running out of money the end of Kelly's residency will be a thing of the past. 
4.  That our overall stress level will decrease in 2013, and that every member of our family will be able to live with a little less stress and more quality time for each other.
5.  That I'll be able to improve my relationship with my Heavenly Father through better temple attendance, better person prayer, and a better commitment to family religious study (family prayer, family scripture study, etc.).

Dreams
1.  That in the next few years Kelly is able to move into the best job for his wants and needs.
2.  That I'll be able to nurture my family better because I don't need to focus as much on providing for our family. 
3.  That Preston chooses to go on a mission and thrives and inspires other on his mission.
4.  That Preston, Catriona, Tristan, and Lexi feel more loved and supported by me because I'm emotionally better able to be there for them.
5.  That I find my place professionally that helps me grow professionally, and doesn't overly stress me out crippling my primary responsibility to be a great wife and mother.

Fears
1.  That financial recovery will continue to cause us great stress and our children will continue to be affected by this.
2.  That Preston will be too hard on himself and lose a piece of his optimistic and hopeful spirit, and that he will be unable to learn and grow through this struggles and failures as well as his successes.
3.  That I'll gain weight or won't be able to lose my weight debt next year.
4.  That Kelly's car won't make it, or he'll get in a crash because of the repairs we've not been able to do.

Regrets
1.  That I have been a troll at times to Kelly (my DH) at times during this process of him ending residency and finding a job so late; he's got essentially three weeks left.
2.  That we didn't list our home for 30K less so it had a better chance of selling; but even with the stress, I'm glad we didn't sell now because we might be able to stay in our home.
3.  That I didn't ask for financial help sooner before my credit rating tanked and that I didn't find more ways to cut costs.
4.  That I paid a full tithe the whole time, again being humble asking for help when we came up short.  Choosing to pay our mortgage instead of tithing kind of set the stage for our financial turmoil that started in 2010.http://mormon.org/faq/#Tithing

question=/faq/church-tithing/ 5.  That I didn't get more help once I started gaining the weight back at the beginning of Kelly's residency so I wouldn't be in this position now.  

Curvy Divas

I've got these wonderful women that I walk with on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 9AM-10AM that live in my neighborhood, and this morning, just as always, we went for our walk.  We walk about 4 miles, give or take, and baby Lexi comes along in a jogger stroller.  I love walking with these ladies.  Today is my 39th birthday and I couldn't think of anything I'd want to do more on this beautiful Thursday morning.  We call ourselves the Curvy Divas.

Planes, Mega Family Reunion on Many Levels

The only way to document this is chronologically.....

Day 1 - The Flight from NC to AZ

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Was dropped off at the airport by Kelly with Lexi in two (5 months for one more week).  First flight headed into Charlotte, and went on without a hitch.  Second flight was from Charlotte to Phoenix, AZ.  While this flight was long, Lexi was a champ and did a great job.  I arrived in AZ late into the night (about 1 AM my time, and about 10 PM Arizona time).  After getting off the plane, I noticed that Amy was waiting for me!  She caught be a bit off guard as the only way to meet someone at the gate is if you've come into the airport also.  She arrived with Liz and Melissa, and gave me a warm welcome with all the siblings (except Debi), and my parents.  It was such a warm welcome; words can't describe how much fun it was to see them.  All of us are married now, and all but Melissa have kids so it was a bit surreal to all be there without spouses.  Anthony was among the most excited and was ready to party that night.  I, on the other hand, just wanted to find a bed and get some sleep.  We checked into the hotel around 2 PM (my time), and 11 AZ time and my roommate was Melissa.  It was odd not having a chance to really talk with her and trying to get right to bed. 

Day 2 - Wedding Day

At 6 AM my time (9 AZ), I said to Melissa, "can we have our sleep over now that I've had some sleep?" She laughed and we enjoyed getting to know each other again.  It was super fun that Lexi got to meet her aunt Melissa, Amy, and Liz. Downstairs to have the continental breakfast super early, it was an exciting day just getting started.  It was so fun to talk with Melissa and get to know each other again.  Soon after, met up with Liz and Amy, staying down the hall, and we were off to Anth's house for the day.

After arriving at Anth's, we got the grand tour.  Anthony has a beautiful home and it awesome getting to see it.  Lunch at Anth's, a good nap in Anth's bedroom for Lexi, and back to the hotel to change, we were off to the wedding.  What a beautiful wedding.  I think Angelica was the most beautiful bride I've seen.

After Angelica had there ceremony, we met in the reception hall.  This venue was absolutely beautiful and the reception hall was no exception.  Due to the music and late hour for Lexi, Amy helped me out by taking me home early so I could put Lexi to bed.  She'd had enough soon after meeting in the reception hall.

Day 3 - Melissa's 25th Birthday

This morning Amy and Liz and I decided to take Melissa out to breakfast for her birthday.  She was really excited for her birthday this year because of the news that Jeff got a job working for the International Rescue Committee.  I'm so happy for Melissa.  She's grown into such a beautiful woman. 

After eating a hearty breakfast, we headed over to Anthony's house where we discovered that Dave and Anthony wanted to treat Melissa out to lunch....oops.  After holding off Dave and Anthony as long as possible giving Lexi a nap, we had lunch at the Paradise Cafe.  So, out to each for both breakfast and lunch - a real treat for me.

Saturday afternoon, after having a nice chat with Melissa, and getting to know Angelica, we had a pool party.  Anthony's pool was crystal clear, but very cool.  That dip in the pool I'm sure gave me a much needed cold skin treatment.  After the swim, we were off once again for a catered meal, this time at Angelica's parents home for authentic mexican corn tortillas.  So delicious!

Saturday evening Mom & Dad stayed with Lexi to sleep while we all went out for frozen yogurt.

Day 4 - AZ to UT Car Trek
Sunday morning I packed up our stuff and we were off for the 11 hour drive from Phoenix, AZ to Salt Lake City, UT.  What a memorable trip traveling with a 6 month old.  The highlight of the trip was having my mom and dad all to myself for 11 hours.  I hope I didn't wear them out, but really loved their company.  Lexi was also blessed with being content and happy as a pea in a pod.  We arrived at my parents home at around 9:30 PM.

Day 5 - Being part of Salt Lake Family
Day 6 - Salt Lake to Logan, UT -------------Go Aggie's
Day 7 - Grandpa's Funeral
Day 8 - The Flight Home

gotta finish this later........

Two passes to a clean tub!

Yup, that's right, it took two passes of bleach to get the tub clean.  The second one I had to get right because I finally got dressed today after a much needed post-long-weekend bath at around 2:30 PM today just after getting Lexi down for an afternoon nap and seeing Kelly off for work.   After the second pass, I felt relieved as I finally got dressed into my black jeans and dark hot pink shirt; not a friendly mix for mildew remover bleach cleaner stuff.  Hanging out in a hoodie sweatshirt and sweat pants all morning wasn't good for my already low morale.

This morning Kelly (my DH) was off work.  So, I decided to dilly with a bit of work, a bit of cleaning, and a lot of baby care.  Lexi (my infant DD) had a rough night last night with a her waking at 2 AM for an unusual feeding time.  Then, when I returned, my DH was in a deep snoring snooze until I left the room at 4 hoping to get a few hours before getting Tristan off to school at 7:30 AM.  Lexi was in the same room as me and was a tosser until she finally went down again around 4:30 AM.  This morning I discovered she has her first top tooth.....go figure.....get to blame that one on teething.

While Lexi napped this morning, I found myself having a pity party.  The end of this residency marathon has been wrought with unexpected climbs, bruises, and a possible extension.  I'm sure if I really ran a marathon I'd be crawling to the finish line, and metaphorically I feel I'm there with Kelly's medical residency, and now it might be a few more months.  Being in limbo is really rough mentally.  Not knowing how you're going to pay for the remainder of his student loans, health insurance, mortgages, groceries, the list goes on and on is stressful.  The pity party centered around the fact that I thought we'd have the answers to these questions by now.  We don't.  There are still options to consider, a lot of work to do, and the prayers needed to make the right decision for our family. 

So, that's where I'm at today.  Cleaning the tub today reminded me that sometimes you have to make more effort than you anticipate, or go a little further than you expect,  to get the end result.

So Romantic!

Wow!  That was the longest weekend ever!  I swear, Tristan was the hardest he's ever been dozens of times taxing both Kelly and I to our limits on patience.  On Friday afternoon I felt victorious as I had ALL the laundry done in the house before Kelly got home from work about 7:30 PM.  This gave me a good guage to see how many pants/shorts Tristan goes through on average in a day.  To back track, he's regressed significantly since Lexi came 5 months ago.  He's always wet his pants, but now he's choosing not to use the bathroom and wets his pants all day.  Any people out there with suggestions on how to stop this, let me know?  Right now, he can't play video games again until he's potty trained.  This is defined as no wet pants outside of his bed.  He's still permitted to wet at night if he has accidents, but can't walk around the house in his wet pull-ups; such a pet peeve of mine.  So, ready for the tally?  We went through TEN outfits last weekend or an average of five outfits per day.  Totally unacceptable. 

Add this stress on top of all the other crazy stuff he was doing all weekend, and you'll get an idea of how tough it was.  He's such a tough kid, but there is a tender side of him that wins my heart every time.  Lately, he's been obsessed, and I mean obsessed with collecting acorns.  Now this is something I love about Tristan; he reminds me often of how beautiful the mind of a 7 year old is.  Don't you just love his serious face?  Collecting acorns is serious business.

 

The other big happening this weekend was watching general conference.  http://www.lds.org/general-conference?lang=eng  For those of you who have never watched it, I highly recommend it!  It was a breathe of fresh air for me to hear and remember what's most important in life; doing Christ's work here on earth. 

So Romantic!

Being 38 years old with a 5 month new baby, and broke at the end of Kelly's medical  residency, I'm in a bit of a fashion crisis.  My body still has about 17 pounds to lose to be at my pre-pregnancy weight, and about 40 pounds to lose to be at my pre-residency weight; stress is my biggest contributor to weight gain.  This has left me with limited options to take care of myself.  It doesn't help that I don't feel good about my current weight. 

On Friday night, while talking to my mom on the phone, I started crying as all the pent up emotions of me giving up so much of myself for our family came out on the phone.  I kind of feel bad now letting those emotions loose as its been something I've kept pretty secure.  Kelly came in afterwards, and saw that I'd been crying and asked me why.  I confessed to him that I was crying because I didn't have a dress to wear to the wedding, and that I was sad that even if I wanted a dress, we didn't have the money for me to buy one. 

Before my wonderful husband left for the men's session on Saturday night, he knelt down next to me and said he needed to talk to me about something. A little worried, I said "okayyyyy?" He then got out two intricately and neatly folded up one-hundred dollar bills and handed them to me. He had been keeping these hundreds in his wallet since December when he got some money as a gift for Christmas.  He was saving this money to buy something he really wanted. He then said that he wanted to spend his Christmas money on getting me a nice dress for my brothers' wedding coming up in two weeks and said on Monday or Tuesday night, he'd like me to get a nice dress for the wedding with this money.  It was a very tender and loving moment for me.