When idealism crashes with reality and cynicism.

Today I read an article posted online about a terrible day of a professional I hired in 2007 to be a family teacher in a group home for troubled teens and the lessons she learned through enduring the abuse I hired her to endure.

http://www.cjanekendrick.com/2013/03/guest-post-picking-up-pieces.html

I feel so sad that all she posted about living in the group home for a year was one of the worst experiences of dozens of really tough incidents in comparison to the hundreds or even thousands of joyous times we had all endured while serving a group home for ten years. 

When I discovered live-in family-style group homes just after graduating from college, I knew this was for me and was my mission to change teens lives and be able to raise my son at the same time. I was a hopeless romantic, and was always watching out for my mission to spread the gospel of Jesus Christ. Through opening up this home, I thought I'd be able to change the world, financially support our family, and be home with my two children. I was excited to be a part of something bigger; helping at-risk children live a better life. I knew the challenges would be tough, and I knew they would be scary and uneasy at times, but I believed in the power of change, and the great need we have for skilled adults to care for at-risk children.
I opened up this home at the age of twenty four; just eleven months after my husband was admitted to Duke University Medical School.  As a young mom and recent college graduate in humanities, I ached for an opportunity to stay home with my son and help raise at-risk kids.  The day this group home opened,  my husband was at school all day, and my 3 year old son was home with me, while I was 8 months pregnant with my second child.

My idealism crashed with reality the very first day we opened this group home with two youth admitted into the home that day.  One was sixteen, and the other was ten.  My husband had worked all day in medical school, and came home to this new second job of supporting me in this huge venture.  After a very long day, eight months pregnant, and taking care of my three year old son, at bedtime, I told my husband that our home was not a home for children with developmental disabilities, and that the ten year old child was mistakenly placed in our home.  I cried to my husband that night saying that perhaps I'd made a big mistake, and that this job would be too challenging.  My husband wisely told me to give it more time, and we'd have this conversation in a few weeks.  That conversation happened many more times on this mission, but we continued, because of the positive times and the wonderful changes we did witness.  If I had focused only on the traumatic events, I might have missed the opportunity to serve what has now been dozens of children.

Ten years went by and we had two group homes, a therapeutic foster care program, and three children of our own.  After five years living in a group home with my husband and two children, we hired couples to take our place, but these couples struggled and often left feeling like we'd abused them by hiring them and letting them get exposed to troubled teens.  The struggles I had endured while living in the home were somehow underestimated in their trauma, as I truly believed it was my mission to endure the struggles, and somehow grow from them.  Our cynical society would have called that enduring abuse, but with at-risk children, they really struggle with how to treat their caretakers with respect and love, and without idealists to teach them alternatives, who will teach these children?

I'm more of a realist and cynic today, but comments like these haven't completely killed the optimist and idealist in me.  When people I've hired write articles like the one above, I'm thankful for the lessons she learned in therapy, but it hurts that this is all she felt to write about her life in the group home.  I hate the idea that I hurt someone by hiring them to care for at-risk kids.  It's comments like these that further may further destroy the optimist and idealist in my spirit.  I think I'll write a book about this season of our life and I think it would make a wonderful movie.  But, that would be the optimist in me.  I'm concede to be an optimist at rest I guess.

"'What is a hero?' Some would say that a hero is someone who commits a courageous action without considering the consequences--a soldier who crawls out of a foxhole to drag an injured buddy to safety. And I also meant individuals who are slightly larger than life: Houdini and Lindbergh, John Wayne, JFK, and Joe DiMaggio.

My definition is of a hero is completely different. I think a hero is an ordinary individual who finds strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles. Sometimes the hero is in the person who willingly chooses to sacrifice for love.  If it wasn't for something better, it would just be torture, but what makes it sacrifice is when it's willingly given in love a cost to himself.  That said, moderation in all things, and following my heart has led me to knowing when to sacrifice, and when to let it go.

What I want.

What I want has been on my mind today.  Tomorrow I'm getting my hair cut and colored.  I've not ever had my hair professionally colored.  It's been highlighted professionally, but never colored.  I made this appointment three months ago before my hubby finished his medical residency with the faith that I'd be able afford the appointment.  Well tomorrow is the appointment and I've got just enough in my bank account to cover it; not quite what I was expecting.  I'm not rolling in dollar bills, or finding I have tons extra cash that allows me to just buy at will.  In its place are a long list of expenses already committed, a long list of items in our home that need to be replaced, and the infamous debt.  When I think of all the expenses to come the next year, it gets totally overwhelming so I'm working on expenses one week at a time.  I'm no where near coming up with a budget for our family because our income is still somewhat unpredictable.

I'm trying not to be a downer because many families never have that payout or nest egg that starts to help them get ahead, but the debt incurred while putting a husband through a five year residency while staying in a home meant for an attending physician packed on a financial burden not for the faint in heart. 

The past few weeks I've felt as though we're on the path to recovery not just financially, but in all aspects of my life.  This is the first Monday where my day has been relatively without pain.  Last week I had an epidural injection in my spine with the help of a CT scan on the right side where my butt dimple is located.  I've been in considerable pain since I was about 28 week pregnant.  Lexi will be 10 months new next week, so I've been in considerable pain for over a year now.  Having the pain mostly gone now has made me realize what tremendous pain I've been in all this time.  I didn't realize how much you hurt when its chronic and you hurt all the time.  This injection was only meant to give me relief but is not a cure.  My hope is that my body will heal itself, but if it doesn't, with this relief, I'll keep returning for the injections.   Yesterday I sat through church without pain.

Catriona's second bunny died today; her other one died just two weeks ago.  It's a cold day outside and Kelly, Catriona, and Tristan are headed out in the dark to bury the second bunny.  I don't want to leave the baby alone in here so I'm sending my condolences from the warm home. 

Back to what I want.  Today what I want is to just not be in pain.  I want to appreciate my wonderful life, husband, and beautiful children. Today I want to be content with where I'm at as a mother and professionally.  Today I want to have a better plan for tomorrow.  Today I want to be thankful for my beautiful home. 

Weaning. It happened.

Today is the first day I didn't breastfeed my baby in nine months.  Over the month of January, I've been gradually weaning her down from nursing every two hours during the day to one feeding every morning this past week.   I'm paralyzed with grief, and keep having feelings that I should pump just to keep the supply going, but then, I don't pump because part of me deep in my soul knows its time to be done.  My goal was to wean Lexi (my nine month old) at a year, but she got a bottle for Christmas (didn't like other bottle I'd tried to introduced), and was introduced to this new bottle and formula for the first time around the beginning of the new year, and very quickly, it was as if she found something better.  The bottle seemed to meet a need I couldn't.  The bottle was instantly, or near instantly ready, and my let down started to take longer and longer.  During the dreadfully long Christmas break, I had a terrible time being relaxed enough to nurse, and so there it goes, I've not breastfed my baby today.  Before it wasn't such a tragic event, but I'm 39, and this is my fourth baby, and my spine and hips still haven't recovered from carrying her for nine months.  Yesterday I had the emotionally exhausting day of meeting with my back surgeon from 14 years ago about my disk that seems to have flared up again; its' been 14 years.  As I type this, tears roll down my cheeks.  I'm so incredibly sad about a season that is ending for me.  My previous three kids I think I breastfed for six months tops, but this one was different.  Part of me knew this would be my last baby, my last opportunity to cherish and love every day with her.  My appetite the past week has plummeted, and I seem to be enduring waves of hormone shifts mixed with depressive symptoms.  She's upstairs in her crib not wanting to nap, and I really need her to sleep so I can get a grip.  I feel like no one in the world understands my grief.  I know this too shall pass, but at this moment, I'm very sad.  I'm sad she preferred the bottle before I preferred to stop breastfeeding.  I think this is the first baby where she seemed ready before me.  She naps now, finally.  Where did the past nine months go?  Is it really the end of January?

The End of Our World!

So on December 21st, (a week ago), the end of the world didn't come, but the end of the world as I know it came.  A week ago my husband completed his last day of a 5-year medical residency.  He's now a board eligible Child, Adolescent, and Adult Psychiatrist.  He's completed 26 formal years of training and education.  All of this education and training after high school has had me playing an active part in his education and training pursuits.  Kelly and I met within the first two months of our first year of college; I guess that means we're college sweet hearts.  The journey so far has no words to adequately describe the experiences we've had.  This year has been the toughest yet the most rewarding at the same time.

5 Biggest

Yesterday was my 39th birthday and was forgettable (hopefully) with the exception of Catriona (my DD) making me a beautiful chocolate, coconut pecan, nutella chocolate cake and dinner!  She's so thoughtful and I just love her for that. 

So today I'd like to do an exercise.  Here are my five biggest TODAY....
Hopes
1.  That Kelly finds a job that will provide for our family, help us dig out of residency debt, and is something he will enjoy as much as he can at this point in our lives considering the whole situation.
2.  That I'll be able to lose 40 pounds before my 40th birthday.  I'd also like to breastfeed Lexi until her birthday which is in April which augments my goals to lose just 5 pounds by the end of April.
3.  That a year from now, all this financial stress of running out of money the end of Kelly's residency will be a thing of the past. 
4.  That our overall stress level will decrease in 2013, and that every member of our family will be able to live with a little less stress and more quality time for each other.
5.  That I'll be able to improve my relationship with my Heavenly Father through better temple attendance, better person prayer, and a better commitment to family religious study (family prayer, family scripture study, etc.).

Dreams
1.  That in the next few years Kelly is able to move into the best job for his wants and needs.
2.  That I'll be able to nurture my family better because I don't need to focus as much on providing for our family. 
3.  That Preston chooses to go on a mission and thrives and inspires other on his mission.
4.  That Preston, Catriona, Tristan, and Lexi feel more loved and supported by me because I'm emotionally better able to be there for them.
5.  That I find my place professionally that helps me grow professionally, and doesn't overly stress me out crippling my primary responsibility to be a great wife and mother.

Fears
1.  That financial recovery will continue to cause us great stress and our children will continue to be affected by this.
2.  That Preston will be too hard on himself and lose a piece of his optimistic and hopeful spirit, and that he will be unable to learn and grow through this struggles and failures as well as his successes.
3.  That I'll gain weight or won't be able to lose my weight debt next year.
4.  That Kelly's car won't make it, or he'll get in a crash because of the repairs we've not been able to do.

Regrets
1.  That I have been a troll at times to Kelly (my DH) at times during this process of him ending residency and finding a job so late; he's got essentially three weeks left.
2.  That we didn't list our home for 30K less so it had a better chance of selling; but even with the stress, I'm glad we didn't sell now because we might be able to stay in our home.
3.  That I didn't ask for financial help sooner before my credit rating tanked and that I didn't find more ways to cut costs.
4.  That I paid a full tithe the whole time, again being humble asking for help when we came up short.  Choosing to pay our mortgage instead of tithing kind of set the stage for our financial turmoil that started in 2010.http://mormon.org/faq/#Tithing

question=/faq/church-tithing/ 5.  That I didn't get more help once I started gaining the weight back at the beginning of Kelly's residency so I wouldn't be in this position now.  

Curvy Divas

I've got these wonderful women that I walk with on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 9AM-10AM that live in my neighborhood, and this morning, just as always, we went for our walk.  We walk about 4 miles, give or take, and baby Lexi comes along in a jogger stroller.  I love walking with these ladies.  Today is my 39th birthday and I couldn't think of anything I'd want to do more on this beautiful Thursday morning.  We call ourselves the Curvy Divas.

Planes, Mega Family Reunion on Many Levels

The only way to document this is chronologically.....

Day 1 - The Flight from NC to AZ

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Was dropped off at the airport by Kelly with Lexi in two (5 months for one more week).  First flight headed into Charlotte, and went on without a hitch.  Second flight was from Charlotte to Phoenix, AZ.  While this flight was long, Lexi was a champ and did a great job.  I arrived in AZ late into the night (about 1 AM my time, and about 10 PM Arizona time).  After getting off the plane, I noticed that Amy was waiting for me!  She caught be a bit off guard as the only way to meet someone at the gate is if you've come into the airport also.  She arrived with Liz and Melissa, and gave me a warm welcome with all the siblings (except Debi), and my parents.  It was such a warm welcome; words can't describe how much fun it was to see them.  All of us are married now, and all but Melissa have kids so it was a bit surreal to all be there without spouses.  Anthony was among the most excited and was ready to party that night.  I, on the other hand, just wanted to find a bed and get some sleep.  We checked into the hotel around 2 PM (my time), and 11 AZ time and my roommate was Melissa.  It was odd not having a chance to really talk with her and trying to get right to bed. 

Day 2 - Wedding Day

At 6 AM my time (9 AZ), I said to Melissa, "can we have our sleep over now that I've had some sleep?" She laughed and we enjoyed getting to know each other again.  It was super fun that Lexi got to meet her aunt Melissa, Amy, and Liz. Downstairs to have the continental breakfast super early, it was an exciting day just getting started.  It was so fun to talk with Melissa and get to know each other again.  Soon after, met up with Liz and Amy, staying down the hall, and we were off to Anth's house for the day.

After arriving at Anth's, we got the grand tour.  Anthony has a beautiful home and it awesome getting to see it.  Lunch at Anth's, a good nap in Anth's bedroom for Lexi, and back to the hotel to change, we were off to the wedding.  What a beautiful wedding.  I think Angelica was the most beautiful bride I've seen.

After Angelica had there ceremony, we met in the reception hall.  This venue was absolutely beautiful and the reception hall was no exception.  Due to the music and late hour for Lexi, Amy helped me out by taking me home early so I could put Lexi to bed.  She'd had enough soon after meeting in the reception hall.

Day 3 - Melissa's 25th Birthday

This morning Amy and Liz and I decided to take Melissa out to breakfast for her birthday.  She was really excited for her birthday this year because of the news that Jeff got a job working for the International Rescue Committee.  I'm so happy for Melissa.  She's grown into such a beautiful woman. 

After eating a hearty breakfast, we headed over to Anthony's house where we discovered that Dave and Anthony wanted to treat Melissa out to lunch....oops.  After holding off Dave and Anthony as long as possible giving Lexi a nap, we had lunch at the Paradise Cafe.  So, out to each for both breakfast and lunch - a real treat for me.

Saturday afternoon, after having a nice chat with Melissa, and getting to know Angelica, we had a pool party.  Anthony's pool was crystal clear, but very cool.  That dip in the pool I'm sure gave me a much needed cold skin treatment.  After the swim, we were off once again for a catered meal, this time at Angelica's parents home for authentic mexican corn tortillas.  So delicious!

Saturday evening Mom & Dad stayed with Lexi to sleep while we all went out for frozen yogurt.

Day 4 - AZ to UT Car Trek
Sunday morning I packed up our stuff and we were off for the 11 hour drive from Phoenix, AZ to Salt Lake City, UT.  What a memorable trip traveling with a 6 month old.  The highlight of the trip was having my mom and dad all to myself for 11 hours.  I hope I didn't wear them out, but really loved their company.  Lexi was also blessed with being content and happy as a pea in a pod.  We arrived at my parents home at around 9:30 PM.

Day 5 - Being part of Salt Lake Family
Day 6 - Salt Lake to Logan, UT -------------Go Aggie's
Day 7 - Grandpa's Funeral
Day 8 - The Flight Home

gotta finish this later........