Unconditional Love

Thinking about what it means today to have unconditional love, and how easy it is to think you have it, but realize one day, like a lightening bolt, that you didn't. Today, to look at my children and husband and friends and loved ones with pure, unconditional love. To purge interference with unconditional love. Not just to believe in it, but to truly feel it towards every person around you. The whole world looks different to me today. What a BEAUTIFUL day!

Relief society presidency letter after telling them Sunday.

Thank you so much for the opportunity to serve as Relief Society President.  Through this calling, and being in a safe season of my life in how I feel about myself, my marriage, and my children, this calling has helped me to follow and trust my heart and mind.  Thank you for being unique, individual, vulnerable, and for your integrity and honestly.  Thank you for tolerating my writing and thought ignorance. I would like to let each of you know that I love you, and that you three have many, many beautiful qualities I admire in each of you.  My only tears are for the pain my beliefs will cause others, but I'm at peace for the first time in my life.  Each of you has touched my heart and mind in a wonderful way as I expected when I requested each of you as my counselors and secretary.  Through this experience, I've learned that my body, heart, and mind are my own to love and cherish.  I've learned better what love and service really means.  I've learned that ultimately I am the best person to decide what my callings in life will be from this point forward.  I have great hope for my future.  I've learned that my extended family are going to say very unkind and kind things just as they have in the past week I've told each of them of my change in beliefs, and that I may say unkind and kind things also in response to becoming apostate to those I love so much. 

Unfortunately, due to the many many conflicts my new beliefs have with the many doctrines of the church I disagree with now, my future no longer involves associating myself as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  I plan to formally resign as a member of the church in the upcoming weeks.  This decision was made by my own will, at my own time, when I was ready, and without any influence by anyone who may perceive that I may have been offended.  I have no regrets except that I wish that this realization had come sooner.  I understand why it didn't.  My body and mind is much better in-tuned to the fact that I, and only I am in charge of my future.  I will always cherish the positive teachings of the church, and will continue to use the good and wise teachings and teach my children to never, ever doubt having doubts and to trust their hearts and minds always.  I'm feel absolutely and positively empowered by this.  I'm not afraid as I was before, but no longer fear anything associated with the church.

I embrace every emotion that comes with being human now, and understand that in living true to my inner teacher, and with integrity, that there will be beloved relationships lost.  This experience has been tremendously hard in coping with all the emotions that came with opening up my mind to my own journey, and with taking complete responsibility for my life and how I behave.  I'm just at the beginning of that process.  I made this decision as "worthy" by church standards as I've ever been, but stepped into being "unworthy" by church standards when I gave my mind permission to open up what I call the "doubt file box" and really look at it without bias. 

I no longer believe that doubt constitutes any type of poor character or integrity on any person.  I don't believe doubt is a sin.  I no longer believe in sin the same way Mormon doctrine teaches about sin.  This information, I suspect may come as a shock to you, or it may not.  It came as a shock to me as the entire house of cards dropped in my mind relatively quickly in March.  This calling did not wear me out.  Quite the opposite.  This calling showed me what is true, and what is not true for my life, and the life of my husband and children.  Love is real and charity is real in my experience. I'm forever thankful to the thousands of ancestors who fought for freedom in what I now understand better is truly freedom.  The problem for me is that the church comes with so many threats, manipulation, guilt, and oppression along with the love and service that there isn't room just to love and to love someone by your own will.  I believe the church uses our love for our children and our husbands to manipulate us.  I'm not sure if the leaders do it knowingly, and I'm not concerned if they are because that is their journey, and they are all wonderful men and women, I hope.  I believe my membership in the church gets in the way of my journey to love and live life, and to love my families just as they are today with no thought of tomorrow, and certainly with no threat of what comes after this life.  If you are offended by my new beliefs, I'm very sorry for any pain it causes.

With love and compassion,

Emily

ExMormons = The Boogie Man

GOTCHA BOOGIE MAN!!!!  AND, YOU'RE ACTUALLY MY FRIEND!

Yesterday while many of my friends and family chose to watch conference, I spent time exploring many of my fears and teachings as a child that were good, and those that were not so good.  One thing I was taught as a child was that ex-mormons are bad.  Don't even listen to what they have to say because they are led by Satan.  They will confuse your mind and cause you great distress.  They will make it hard to get to the Celestial Kingdom.  They will take you away from the temple.

I'm SO thankful today that I turned away from fear and listened to their experiences with an objective mind and open heart.  I am finally learning what people mean by being open minded.

Yesterday, I had the privilege of getting to know the Anderson family by reading their story and watching their video.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zr3JYFX1Czg

And Ariane, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NC0UTkEuXc0

and Chris, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nj9uLK-Z1MM

Tears came to my eyes as I'm very alone on this journey with my extended family, but fortunate to be united with my immediate family.  Looking into the eyes of these wonderful people who have been brave enough to make a video about their discovery about Mormonism.  Chris was so faithful just as I was until the day he "woke up".  Eric Anderson gave me compassion for what my sweet husband must have endured because he loved me and knew it had to be my experience, and Ariane, wonderful Ariane for opening up a sealed up doubt file years ago about my frustrations in teaching heavy doctrine to the beautiful 4 year olds' I was entrusted with.

Yesterday was full of emotions.  I had to grieve how I felt last conference to this conference.  I felt an abundance of joy in anticipation of my life ahead with my beautiful family.  In the morning, I was in tears curled up in my bed after an extended family member called me a tree hugging Christian.  Actually, I'm a born again Agnostic, but I understood how it felt for my ancestors to be ridiculed for what they believe on a whole new level.  I felt her pain that I no longer believe any of what she feels so strongly about.  I grieved that I no longer believe not because I want to be back, but that the road ahead will cause many people I've loved throughout my life to question my integrity and honesty, and to view me as an outsider.  But, just as my ancestors were brave, I too am brave and strong.  I'm also weak.  I'm human.

New Meaning In Follow Your Heart

"Ultimately I could not ignore the evidence of my senses, my reasoning and my conscience.  The greatest lessons that I learned from my years in the Church are ultimately what have taught me the truth: to listen to the still, small voice inside, to do what you know is right no matter what others around me might say, and to open your heart and mind to unsuspected sources of joy and understanding."  Martha Beck

"no matter how difficult and painful it may be, nothing sounds as good to the soul as the truth." - Cindy Crosby

House of Cards

4/3/2014 Morning
Today and yesterday I've felt better than the first three days after resigning to the bishop as Relief Society President.  I trust my bodies' ability to be resilient and to cope as by body and mind need.  I think that resignation may have been more difficult than coming out about my knowledge, beliefs, and hopes to my husband and children, or having the stack of blocks suddenly crumble down in my mind with one piece, then two, then five, and then hundreds all at once.....perhaps that is what people describe as the awakening.  I still have to make it through the rest of the re-wiring my brain is going through as I allow all the cognitive dissonance I've had for the past 40 years to form new thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes about life.  One day at a time, and trying to ride the waves.  I feel as though I'm in a beautiful new ocean, but sometimes a big wave comes and pushes me down when I least expect it.  The advantage is that I know it won't all be big waves. Grieving my old life is met with hope and joy on being able to just love and serve on my terms of my own true will... without guilt, manipulation, or coercion riding along with my other true motives of love and the desire to serve.  Being able to make the decision to resign from the calling has given me new resolve to not let others make decisions for me.  I will never be "called" to another position in the church again, or released when a man decides it's time for me to move onto a new "calling".  The calling of Relief Society President is wonderful in the access it gives me to love and serve others, but also leaves you feeling exploited.  These "higher" callings are a breeding ground for doubt.  That's a good thing.  Without being Relief Society President, I'm not sure my brain would have dug deeper, and opened up that repressed box of doubt this year.  But, like any house of cards, mine was bound to fall as it the only anchor was love.  I'm ready to build something new.  The calling to be Relief Society President was the catalyst, along with my inner teacher, along with being in a place in my life where I can manage the stress associated with this massage shift in the world around me. It's a beautiful spring day.  My baby girl is turning two this month.  Every new plant coming up has new meaning for me.  What a joy it is to be alive and to be loved.

Afternoon
Told my second sister today. That was so hard to hear her pain because she is absolutely the sweetest. Everyone in my immediate family is leaving the church so it had to be like hearing a whole family has died to my active extended family members. I told her to feel free to get as much support as she needs from my mom and dad, and my brothers and sisters. I wish I wasn't so close to them and was a good liar. I'm a terrible liar. I told her that I understand if she needs to pull away from me for a season to heal, and that I hope she'll be able to forgive me some day.

Sin

Opening up the symbolic file box for me about my faith and religion, I'm sure, when I reflect back, will be one of the greatest emotional experiences of my life. One of the files on my mind this morning is what I've been taught about sin.  I've never been able to accept the concept of sin as it was taught to me.  As early as I can remember, I felt my inner teacher tell me there was something off about what I was being taught about sin.  But, I was taught that this was Satin trying to tempt me.  I was taught that I had something evil like Satan trying to influence my decisions at the age of eight?  Putting obedience above seeking truth, which was the right thing to do at the time, I believe, I put my inner teacher about sin in a mental file box.  I believe that one of the laws of nature is that there is opposition in all things, or at least some things.  One thing that nature teaches us is that there are laws, but many laws of nature seem to have exceptions.  Hot and cold, light and dark, black and white, but what is the opposite to green or red?  I believe that there are things we can do to our bodies and minds that are harmful and dull us to connecting with being human.  We can use science to find out what things might be harmful to our bodies, and even what things we can put into our bodies, or do to our bodies to make them healthier.  For me, my body rejects wheat as a doctor of medicine with a specialty in allergies enlightened me with his knowledge about my body.  Initially I rejected this knowledge, and ate wheat anyway, but I always felt that it was harming my body.  So, with courage, I've given up most wheat and my body has been much healthier.  The way I understand sin is when you do things that harm your inner spirit, and that if everyone was fully connected with being human, they would avoid harming themselves first, and do their best not to harm others.  But, just as nature cannot be absolute in everything, so is it impossible at times not to hurt ourselves or others.  After all, we are human.  Sometimes all we can think of is how to get food, or shelter.  Other times, our minds are only focused on staying safe.  If harm is done, I believe it's best to offer apology or restitution to the harmed.  It is also necessary then, to be at peace with yourself and trust your heart and your inner guide.  Everyone needs to direct their own path to become most connected with life.  I believe that Christ was highly in tuned to that path to joy and peace in life.  I also believe that Mother Teresa was highly evolved on that path, as was Mohammed, and Buddha, and Ghandi.  I believe that every religion, the philosophies of men and women, ultimately helps every person on their path, as we are all connected in being human.  We influence each other every day whether we hope to or not.  But ultimately, each person must find their own path.  For my path,  I believe that there are just as many not famous or highly known humans that are highly connected to the human experience. By opening up the symbolic file box, I'm a newborn again on that path.  My inner teacher says that there is joy and peace in living a life free of excess, of honesty, and of being true to your inner teacher.  My inner teacher tells me that love, and service, and forgiveness, and restitution are all important to being most in tuned to being connected with being human.  There are many other keys I'm sure but these are the focus of my being human today.

Owning my Own Thoughts

April 1, 2014.
Stress is the only way I can describe what my body feels like since Sunday. The advantage is that I'm a mental health professional so I recognize what I'm experiencing and trying to be patient with the process. I'm guessing this is how it would feel to go through a separation from a spouse after a 40 year marriage. This experience is only for a time when you're socially, intellectually, mentally, and physically ready; unless you want to have a heart attack or unless you welcome cortisol streaming through your body in palpable levels. I think that's why my mind wouldn't let me before. It's kind of like the decision to lose weight takes a certain amount of physical and emotional reserves. Yesterday I told my mother who's leaving on a mission next month about how I feel. I also told my sister (two brothers and 3 sisters to go). My sister said it's okay for me to be a "resting saint" and to dig deeper. My mother asked a bit defensively if I knew something more than they know like I have better revelation, and feels it's just a phase I'll work through. I also had a touching conversation with my 19 year old "apostate" son and offered him a tender apology for how I treated him before I took the red pill.  While it's been hard, I know love is the key, and that they all love me.  As hard as this is, I have hope that this step is going towards letting my mind, dreams, and hopes for after this life to be my own.