Thursday, January 31, 2013
Today is the first day I didn't breastfeed my baby in nine months. Over the month of January, I've been gradually weaning her down from nursing every two hours during the day to one feeding every morning this past week. I'm paralyzed with grief, and keep having feelings that I should pump just to keep the supply going, but then, I don't pump because part of me deep in my soul knows its time to be done. My goal was to wean Lexi (my nine month old) at a year, but she got a bottle for Christmas (didn't like other bottle I'd tried to introduced), and was introduced to this new bottle and formula for the first time around the beginning of the new year, and very quickly, it was as if she found something better. The bottle seemed to meet a need I couldn't. The bottle was instantly, or near instantly ready, and my let down started to take longer and longer. During the dreadfully long Christmas break, I had a terrible time being relaxed enough to nurse, and so there it goes, I've not breastfed my baby today. Before it wasn't such a tragic event, but I'm 39, and this is my fourth baby, and my spine and hips still haven't recovered from carrying her for nine months. Yesterday I had the emotionally exhausting day of meeting with my back surgeon from 14 years ago about my disk that seems to have flared up again; its' been 14 years. As I type this, tears roll down my cheeks. I'm so incredibly sad about a season that is ending for me. My previous three kids I think I breastfed for six months tops, but this one was different. Part of me knew this would be my last baby, my last opportunity to cherish and love every day with her. My appetite the past week has plummeted, and I seem to be enduring waves of hormone shifts mixed with depressive symptoms. She's upstairs in her crib not wanting to nap, and I really need her to sleep so I can get a grip. I feel like no one in the world understands my grief. I know this too shall pass, but at this moment, I'm very sad. I'm sad she preferred the bottle before I preferred to stop breastfeeding. I think this is the first baby where she seemed ready before me. She naps now, finally. Where did the past nine months go? Is it really the end of January?