Monday, March 31, 2014

Finding Peace!

March 30, 2014
1. To set free from confinement, restraint, or bondage.
2. To free from something that binds, fastens, or holds back; let go.
3. To dismiss, as from a job.
4. To relieve of debt or obligation.
5. To relieve of care and suffering.

With my heart pounding, I approached the bishop today and asked if I could meet with him briefly during Sunday School. Upon meeting with him, I told him that I needed to resign. I then told him why? When he asked what led to this, I said it was hard to explain, but that I think that this is the first time in my adult life that I've felt safe and secure enough in my marriage and in myself to "open up the file box". I told him that since a very young age, that I've put questions, concerns, and other faith testing issues away in a mental file box, and that the past year and last few weeks, I've allowed myself to explore how I feel. He asked if I feel alone? I said that I don't, and that I like the idea of Christ, but that I don't know and I'm okay with not knowing, and that I even like the idea that perhaps there is something totally different after this life. I feel there is something to the human experience of loving, serving, and caring for others and that serving as RS President has helped me learn what I do believe. That we need to love each other and serve each other, not hurt ourselves and strive not to hurt others. That we need to be forgiving. Our meeting ended with him reminding me to continue to pray or meditate, and to remember that the church as withstood the test of time. I quietly and respectfully disagreed in my heart that longevity in something somehow equates truth, but felt love and compassion for him taking the time to offer me counsel.  At the close of an emotional relief society meeting, the presidency approached me about a presidency meeting we'd hope to do that evening.  I knew I needed to be honest and up front with them and asked that they meet me briefly on the stage....the only place not full of people at that hour.  After church, I tearfully told the RS Presidency that I was resigning. We laughed, we cried, and they accepted my decision.  I've been, for the large part, mostly avoided by them since Sunday which I understand completely.

It's been five hours since church got out, and I'm completely emotionally exhausted. I knew this would be hard emotionally, but its super intense. My counselors we're wonderful and I was honest with them but brief. I said that I'm in a faith crisis, but it's significant enough that I can't continue. They we're loving, but were very shocked. I also made it a point to let each of them know that they've all been outstanding in the presidency and nothing they did had anything to do with how I feel.

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