Monday, March 31, 2014

Visiting Teacher

I set up an appointment with my visiting teachers.  Only Courtney came, and brought her incredible and beautiful children with her.  I wanted to meet with her to let her know how much I appreciate and love her and her example of love.  I told her that I resigned as Relief Society President which opened up the conversation as to why.  I told her that this past year that I've felt safe and secure enough to open up a symbolic file box of questions I've had since I was very young; as young as eight.  I wanted to ask myself what I know, what I believe, and what I hope for.  I told her that it led me to discover about myself that I know that love and serving others is the prescription for a beautiful life, that doing your best to be honest with yourself and your heart is best even if others are hurt by how you feel.  That I know nothing of after this life, and that I'm okay with that, and even have joy taking back the beauty and wonder and awe of not knowing.  That I hope that there is a God, and that the idea of Jesus is the closest thing to a God that I can understand of a God, but that I don't know and don't believe that others can know of God.  I believe that the human mind is an incredible thing, hopefully designed by God, but that our minds alone can create awe, wonder, perceptions of others needs, and can become emotional simply because of how complex and beautiful our minds are.  She asked if I would be coming back to church, and I said I think so, but I don't know.  I'm not sure about this because so much of what I hear of in church is just plain magical thinking, and it is like nails on a chalkboard spending so much time and energy talking of things that aren't here yet.  I'm ready to be in the here and now.  I'm ready to embrace how I feel today, and to be okay with what may come.  I'm okay with knowing that I'm not a "fallen" spirit, or an apostate as I've been taught, but that I am at peace with meeting whoever it is on the other side, if that comes, and embracing that being of intelligence with my honest heart.  I believe that sharing your heart and being as honest as you can with these matters is the best way to live.  I am emotional at witnessing love of others, and my mind is capable of amazing things I never knew possible.

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