April 1, 2014.
Stress is the only way I can describe what my body feels like since Sunday. The advantage is that I'm a mental health professional so I recognize what I'm experiencing and trying to be patient with the process. I'm guessing this is how it would feel to go through a separation from a spouse after a 40 year marriage. This experience is only for a time when you're socially, intellectually, mentally, and physically ready; unless you want to have a heart attack or unless you welcome cortisol streaming through your body in palpable levels. I think that's why my mind wouldn't let me before. It's kind of like the decision to lose weight takes a certain amount of physical and emotional reserves. Yesterday I told my mother who's leaving on a mission next month about how I feel. I also told my sister (two brothers and 3 sisters to go). My sister said it's okay for me to be a "resting saint" and to dig deeper. My mother asked a bit defensively if I knew something more than they know like I have better revelation, and feels it's just a phase I'll work through. I also had a touching conversation with my 19 year old "apostate" son and offered him a tender apology for how I treated him before I took the red pill. While it's been hard, I know love is the key, and that they all love me. As hard as this is, I have hope that this step is going towards letting my mind, dreams, and hopes for after this life to be my own.
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