Thursday, April 3, 2014
House of Cards
Today and yesterday I've felt better than the first three days after resigning to the bishop as Relief Society President. I trust my bodies' ability to be resilient and to cope as by body and mind need. I think that resignation may have been more difficult than coming out about my knowledge, beliefs, and hopes to my husband and children, or having the stack of blocks suddenly crumble down in my mind with one piece, then two, then five, and then hundreds all at once.....perhaps that is what people describe as the awakening. I still have to make it through the rest of the re-wiring my brain is going through as I allow all the cognitive dissonance I've had for the past 40 years to form new thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes about life. One day at a time, and trying to ride the waves. I feel as though I'm in a beautiful new ocean, but sometimes a big wave comes and pushes me down when I least expect it. The advantage is that I know it won't all be big waves. Grieving my old life is met with hope and joy on being able to just love and serve on my terms of my own true will... without guilt, manipulation, or coercion riding along with my other true motives of love and the desire to serve. Being able to make the decision to resign from the calling has given me new resolve to not let others make decisions for me. I will never be "called" to another position in the church again, or released when a man decides it's time for me to move onto a new "calling". The calling of Relief Society President is wonderful in the access it gives me to love and serve others, but also leaves you feeling exploited. These "higher" callings are a breeding ground for doubt. That's a good thing. Without being Relief Society President, I'm not sure my brain would have dug deeper, and opened up that repressed box of doubt this year. But, like any house of cards, mine was bound to fall as it the only anchor was love. I'm ready to build something new. The calling to be Relief Society President was the catalyst, along with my inner teacher, along with being in a place in my life where I can manage the stress associated with this massage shift in the world around me. It's a beautiful spring day. My baby girl is turning two this month. Every new plant coming up has new meaning for me. What a joy it is to be alive and to be loved.
Told my second sister today. That was so hard to hear her pain because she is absolutely the sweetest. Everyone in my immediate family is leaving the church so it had to be like hearing a whole family has died to my active extended family members. I told her to feel free to get as much support as she needs from my mom and dad, and my brothers and sisters. I wish I wasn't so close to them and was a good liar. I'm a terrible liar. I told her that I understand if she needs to pull away from me for a season to heal, and that I hope she'll be able to forgive me some day.